I’m not perfect and I don’t claim to be. So I’ve got a lot to change, and I try it year by year. Every year, (even without this essay) I write some ten to fourteen resolutions that I think that’s gotten way too much on me and that’s a bad habit… every year it gets deeper and more personal. I remember one of the very first ones I did was, “don’t talk back to Mama.” I did live up to that, and up to now, still do. The way I start thinking up of these coming changes that I need to make, I think back to the year and see what I’ve done wrong, what I did right, if I made my resolutions come to life, and if I can live up to the up coming ones. Looking back into the year, I’m going to pick one that I have been going through a lot and have been affecting my studies and my way of… lifestyle: procrastination and ending up on AIM talking to people about how their day was instead of sitting in the dining room table and doing some Algebra homework or finishing up a project. That’s my problem, I get easily distracted and this has been going on since third grade, so it’s nothing new. But I never really thought of changing it, I never really got affected; since recently and the end of seventh grade. I look at my report card in the end of the six weeks of school and see a big fat D+. I’ve never seen an F in my report card and fortunately never will; but I did see worse than a D+, which was a D… I kinda just shiver and think that, “my sister’s done worse.” And now, back to the present, I’m thinking how I’m such an idiot for thinking that because I’m nothing like my sister, I shouldn’t of have let it go and fly like I did. I should’ve worked harder than I did for a better grade.
When I was younger to when I was in sixth grade I’ve done New Year’s resolution, some were reasonable: recycle. But some were a bit more absurd and won’t really happen without some scientific help: grow four inches. But I’ve done every single ones, except ones such as growing involuntarily just so I won’t get picked on and I won’t get teased; never really came to that. I’ve made sure always that I get to all of my resolutions because it was important to me. But recently, I haven’t done them because my mindset has changed and has been more intricate with different beliefs and different aspects of those beliefs. My head has been more open, yet more closed at the same time… Like, I’ve always just got with what my mother tells me to do… But I guess since seventh grade my thinking has grown and I’ve began to think way more independently, and everything I think and everything I trust have real reasons; one of them was not to do anymore resolutions. Because what I think is that I shouldn’t try to change stuff one by one, because it’s not like it’s human nature to just change just like THAT. I thought it was; but it’s not. I’ve been thinking that if I try to change me, then I’ll lose part of me in the process. I know, I’m thinking too deep and too weird, and it’s probably not too healthy to think this way, but that’s my mindset.
Anyway, since this is mandatory, none the matter with my thinking, I have to do this. And something that I’ve struggled with in the past year was being too much of a mediator. I have always gone in the middle of everyone’s conflicts because I think that I can solve it for them. (When, honestly, sometimes it doesn’t go my way.) I’ve been just the one to be in the middle and be like, “Stop it, this is dumb, don’t go that way…” Stopping a fight or an argument, it’s my thing. But the thing is that, I get in trouble because I try to stop someone from getting in trouble; that’s what I get… because I’m so trying to get into someone else’s business. And I’m not going to lie, I’ve been told this quite a couple of times already. And maybe it’s time to stop, or one by one; try to stop myself from making a decision and jumping into someone else’s pile of needles, then try to determine what I shouldn’t do because I don’t want to get into trouble; that I can’t avoid when I do get in the situation. Getting back… That’s what I should change; is that I should not act as if I’m the umpire; the referee; the intermediary; the third party; the negotiator, because I’m not; I bet you that I’m not even supposed to be in that situation or that problem; that dispute, that might or might not end up in a volcano eruption, so I should just stay out of it. I need to work on that because last time I tried being the cool kid and be like stop it (!), I ended up being suspended, not a good idea if I want to graduate on stage this year.
I’m planning to work on this goal is a mystery to me, because being the middle child; I’ve always just been the one to tell my sister to be nice to my brother and to tell my brother to not annoy my sister to death, to me it’s instinct; it’s like in my nature or something to do that. So, when I see disputes out of the house, I get into it because (1) I don’t believe in violence in that sense, (2) I can’t imagine just standing there as someone grabs someone else’s hair and drag them down the stairs or something, and (3) I wasn’t raised up to watch someone get hurt; emotionally or physically. And so it’s difficult for me to understand how I’ll get started. Maybe I should start with my patience. I’m usually really patient and just chill and Zen; but sometimes as everyone else, I lose it… I can only take too much. Maybe I’ll work my patience a little more, everyday; and by the end of the year I can start trying to not negotiate everything as if it’s a business deal.
This is the first New Year’s resolution I’ve had since sixth grade, so I thought hard and thoroughly about this, I’ve really looked deep in my to find the best one that I have been having trouble with. I’m not saying that being the median isn’t a good thing… Sometimes it’s pretty handy when my sister and brother are both at their breaking point, at the same time; I stay the calm and collected one. But sometimes, as I’ve mentioned before, I get in trouble for something I’m trying to fix, and that’s all because I can’t seem to follow one simple rule of common courtesy: don’t get into other people’s businesses.
No comments:
Post a Comment